Dirty nails. Greasy hair. Unwashed armpits.
These are usually things one would associate with gollum, however in the past few weeks they have, unfortunately, become things I have had to live with.
No, I've not decided to embrace my inner skunk or decided that washing is just not chic. The despairing crux of this first world plight is that our boiler has stopped producing hot water. And so, myself and my two flatmates have had to come up with other solutions to washing ourselves, or indeed, appearing like we have showered when we haven't really in over 3 days. Tasty.
One of my favourite, and most soul destroying solutions, was to attempt to fill the bath with hot water from the kettle and boiled water from pots on the cooker. Although on paper, this looks like it could potentially work, the harsh reality was that it was one of the most stupid things I've ever tried to do. The water cooled almost instantly, and even with all my pots and kettle full of water, it made a puddle look like a swimming pool. Also, the pots weren't entirely clean, so there were little bits of brocolli floating in the lukewarm puddle I'd created. I'd basically made some cold soup.
When this didn't work I decided to fill the sink with boiling water from the kettle to make a sink bath and sponge myself clean. However, trying to shave your legs in this sort of situation is not particularly easy, or ladylike. Washing your hair with freezing water over the side of the bath with the shower head also leaves you feeling dazed, lightheaded and like you've just climbed out the arctic ocean.
So, after about 2 weeks of these ridiculous methods and looking like a creature probably holding high resemblance to be the missing link, we decided to utilise those other people we know - our friends. Thankfully my friend Suzi lives just down the road, and very kindly let me use her shower. Bliss. Instead of drying my hair there however, I thought it would be fine to just walk home with a towel round my head (note street lamppost). It seems like not showering had also left me slightly insane. I got a few funny looks, but I didn't care. I was finally clean.
Yet, this clean feeling wasn't there three days later when the boiler man still hadn't been to fix our shower. So me and my flatmate Amy decided to use the gym showers, (at least they're free). Dressing in our 'sports' gear - we went down to the gym for a sweet workout (climbing some stairs) and dived straight into the water. However, sadly, the showers here were also lukewarm and having to press the button every two seconds was not easy when trying to shave.
On the plus side however, Boots' business on Byres Road in Glasgow is booming from their record sales in Batiste Dry Shampoo, Deodorant and Johnstones Baby Wipes. It's like we're in permanent residence at T in the Park.
Sadly, our shower is still broken. And as I sit here writing, I can definitely smell the unwashed scent of myself. Further accentuating the stench is the fact I have been working as a waitress all day and the smell of chip fat is lingering. Still, what's perfume for? To mask the smell of dirt and chip fat obviously. I have brought a new meaning to Eau du Toilette.
Could I use your shower?